The Carrot is Optional: Moving from Bribing to True Connection

I used to think the carrot was the leverage I needed to lead my horse.

When a horse hesitated, didn’t follow, or seemed unsure, my instinct was to reach for a treat. A carrot. A bucket of grain. Something tangible (and edible!) to convince him to do what I was asking.

It usually worked so I was fooled into thinking I was actually leading him.

Ace engaged and patiently waiting for my next "ask"

But it never worked for long. I had to keep repeating the pattern. A pattern that showed up not just with my horses, but with my kids, my colleagues, and really, with all my relationships. I had to keep dangling a carrot to elicit the action/response I wanted.

I had to learn that there is a huge difference between bribing and thanking.

When Respect and Connection is Missing, We Reach for the Carrot 

Bribing is what we do when we’re unsure of our ask, or insecure about our ability to lead and draw others in.

With horses, a bribe often looks like this:

“If you come closer, I’ll give you this.”

With people, it’s not very different:

“If you finish this, then you can have this.”

“If you behave…”

“If you listen to me….”

“If you follow me…”

The carrot becomes a stand-in for clarity, true connection and respect. The word “IF” becomes the focus of the issue, with the carrot replacing true authority and leadership.

But horses (like people) are incredibly sensitive to mixed signals. When my body, energy or intention wasn’t clear, the carrot did not create trust or inspire followership. It was a very short-term solution that evoked a temporary and inauthentic response.

The horse wasn’t following me at all.

He was following the carrot.

True Leadership Is Not Based on Bribes

Everything changed when I stopped leading with the bribe (carrot) and started leading with authority based in connection. I learned I had to put some time and energy into the relationship to build that connection. I needed to prove I was worth listening to and following. I learned to:

Be present

Be clear

Be non-emotional

Be intentional

Be fair

Be safe

Be encouraging

And then, after the horse tried, after he engaged, after he made an effort, then I could offer the carrot. Not as a lure or a bribe, but as a thank you. But the carrot was optional.

This shift mattered. The horse learned that my ask meant something. That I could be trusted to lead him.

Where This Shows Up in Real Life

 This pattern of relying on a carrot as a motivator is everywhere. We have gotten used to expecting a motivator or a bribe as a matter of fact. Some examples are:

Parents bribing their kids because they are exhausted.

Leaders over-incentivizing because expectations and goals are not clear.

Teams chasing bonuses instead of purpose.

Relationships that are built on transactions rather than trust.

Like many others, I have often relied on external bribes rather than intrinsic motivation. My experience with horses demonstrated to me that the effectiveness of such incentives is often short-lived. Instead of creating a consistent approach, built on leadership and trust, I found myself repeatedly offering ‘carrots’ to elicit any response. Building relationships based on "what will I receive" rather than "you understand the expectations" was the opposite to the relationships I desired.

Ask, Don’t Bribe

Learning that I could ask for something without offering a carrot has been life changing. It took time and practice and a lot of trust in myself that I could lead. More importantly, I had to learn and believe that I was enough. That I was worthy of following. That I was a good leader.

The most effective leaders I know, at home or at work, don’t lead with carrots. They lead with:

Clear intentional asks

Calm presence

Consistent boundaries

Genuine appreciation

Good leaders have learned that connection cannot be bought. It must be earned. Dangling carrots does not guarantee or replace a relationship based on respect and trust.

A Question to Sit With

Where in your life are you offering a carrot when what is really needed is a better relationship?